Off Like a Prom Dress

I was in the mall the other night picking up my wedding ring, yet again, when I saw a bunch of high school kids dressed in their prom clothes walking around the mall. I commented to the girl in the jewelry store about how weird I thought this was. According to her, this is the norm and the guys will actually buy the girl a little trinket somewhere along their parade. Must be in exchange for what they think they will get a little later. Anyway, I liked seeing the girls all decked out in fancy dresses with flowers. The guys looked like crap! Few were wearing tuxes. In my day, when you had to walk 10 miles in a snowstorm for your prom dress, the guys rented tuxes and wore shoes that didn't have a swoosh on them. My, how times have changed.

The first girl I saw, was plus sized. Nothing against anyone plus sized, at least she got asked. I don't remember anyone plus sized going to my prom. At that point, even I was thin. Anyway, she was wearing a color I would call electric grape. It was blinding. It was a cute dress with criss cross sequined straps. The problem? The straps were cutting into her skin! Not the prettiest or most comfortable sight.

I remember all of my prom dresses, of course. There is a cool 80's picture of me at my 9th grade prom somewhere in the blog's archives. Don't miss it! So, I had a boyfriend that was a senior so I got to go when I was a sophomore. I remember my mom took me to Harlow, primarily a Jessica McClintock/Gunne Sax store. I tried on a bunch of stuff that I wasn't happy about. My mom spotted this pink brocade dress hanging so high, I could barely see it. It was $140. This was in 1985. That is like $500 or so now. Maybe not. I tried it on and that was that. I owned the dress. It was strapless with a low, lace insert that showed off my cleavage. It had a lacy underskirt deal that hung below the brocade. I can't describe it well and I will spare you the photos. I had to wear pantyhose, which, even to this day, I abhor. I will tear them off the second I am done with the event I am forced to wear them at. My prom night was no exception. I tore them off and hurled them out of a hotel window. Nice. I never said I was a well mannered person and if you know me, you know that is the truth. I was the only one wearing this dress to the prom as the store kept a list so we wouldn't all show up looking the same. My date liked the dress and I became a statistic for the high school prom records.


My junior prom was another story entirely. I found a dress, likely in my fave mag, Seventeen. It was strapless, white with a tulle skirt and a pink sash, from Harlow, again. Gorgeous! I had a boyfriend, he didn't want to go and lay out any money. He was a jerk. I will call him, Trevor, as that was his name and he sucked! I finally managed to convince him to get off his butt and ask me. He did with the condition we eat dinner at his house. Well, ok, I guess. I looked darn good with my nice dress, pantyhose, and big hair. He picked me up, we went for pictures with his friends at everyone's house. I stood on one guy's deck, and got the heel of my shoe caught between the slats. Nice. We then proceeded to dinner at his house. His family had a rather large Irish Setter. I told them to keep the dang dog away from my dress but he had a sister that didn't like me so, the dog got all over me! Red hair on my white dress didn't make me happy nor did the fact that I was not eating in a real restaurant like the rest of my friends. We get to the prom and it was fun. We danced alot, which I didn't do at the first prom I went to. We even switched off dancing with our friends, that is, until, my friend's boyfriend sported raging prom wood, while dancing with me! Nice. Needless to say, my date/jerk boyfriend didn't make into the prom statistic book. Something about shoes, if I recall correctly. I did manage to stash my pantyhose in his mom's glove compartment.


Ah, the senior prom! I had a tight, black, strapless deal that rocked! I had no date. Kind of a problem. No one even asked me! I had clearly fallen out of favor with the average high school idiot because I had dated a couple, just a couple, of cadets from the local wannabe pilot factory. A friend decided I should ask a cadet friend of ours, that he liked me and would love to go. Sure, he would! He was kind of a geek so I'm sure he would be thrilled to go with a hottie like me. Did I say that out loud? Well... Anyway, so I ask the guy and he says sure. One of the many problems is that he is only a sophmore at the Academy and can't have a car yet. He has a geeky older brother that is a senior, a math/aeronautical engineering major, that has a car. Did I mention that he was a double major? Thank God, I didn't have to go with him! Incredibly intelligent, incredibly dorky. Anyway, so my mom goes to get him while I get ready. He doesn't get me a corsage. My mom goes to the grocery store and gets one while I am silently seething. He forgets his shoulder boards for his mess dress. We have to go back and get them. I am sitting in the parking lot of a dorm with roughly 4000 somewhat eligible guys within shouting distance. I am tempted to go wandering through the dorm with my sexy, black dress and see if someone will take me that isn't a complete moron. I don't and I regret it to this day. Did I mention that I had a boyfriend that was a cadet and was studying for finals? Yeah, well, he was an ass too. I was an ass for thinking he was a nice guy. Shoulder boards retrieved, we left for a nice restaurant to meet a friend of mine and her date. They were just friends but he harbored an inner desire to date her. He was cute, nice and a great soccer player, I don't think she knew what she was missing. Oh, and she was dating a cadet also. Grrr... Jack, as in jack ass, as I will call him, only wanted an appetizer for dinner. That was probably a good thing because Jack left his wallet in his dorm room. You can tell why I call him Jack. I pay and we leave. The prom wasn't too exciting, I don't even recall dancing. My friend and I drove Jack home. He actually had the nerve to tell me he had a good time and was going to kiss me. I opened the car door and told him to get out and never saw him again. I wanted to wrap my pantyhose around his neck but I decided to let him live.

I wonder what prom will be like for my daughter. I will help her find a dress that covers 99.9% of her youthful skin. I will have a corsage stored in the fridge, in case her date forgets. I will give her extra money to stash in her purse, so she isn't forced to wash dishes in her prom dress. I will make certain that she understands that it is ok to ditch your pantyhose. I will also make sure to remind her date to be a gentleman, lest I wrap my own pantyhose around his neck.