Wednesday, January 30, 2008

AF, go home!

What does a hockey team and a (insert nationality here)girl have in common? They both change their pads after the third period. YUCK! Aunt Flo, riding the cotton pony, on the rag, whatever you choose to call it, it SUCKS! I should know. When I was the delicate age of 10, I was blessed with the curse of womanhood. Wearing a bra and wearing a pad became synonomous with pain in the ass. At only 10, I was forced to tether myself to a heating pad to alleviate the horrible monthly alien that ravaged me. I passed out in the bathroom one summer day and my mom was forced to drag me to the hospital for an ultrasound of my aching innards. She made me drink 5 gallons of water in the 10 minutes I had before we had to leave for the hospital. Apparently, you have to have to be very full of water in order for an ultrasound to show anything. Consequently, I nearly peed in the car, I nearly peed in the entry of the hospital, I nearly peed in the wheelchair they had to drive me to the third floor in. Upon getting naked for the test, the tech told me I could go pee not once, but twice. Needless to say, the test revealed nothing. Kotex and myself were the only ones not in agreement.
Moving on a few months, my doctor was convinced this would all blow over, WRONG! You would think that just thinking about your period would not be enough to trigger its onset. You would be wrong. I would bleed at the drop of a hat. Praying in church set off the Red Sea and not the one you are thinking of. Running in PE, loosened whatever dam held back the flow. I was truly miserable! I was 10 mind you!
Armed with a PE waiver due to medical issues, no shit, I was given an RX for birth control pills. This RX lasted 28 years! I was sure my girly pieces/parts were not only faulty but now disconnected with the rest of me.
Luckily, I became pregnant very quickly with Mia. Of course, Bobby and I were newlyweds and humping like a couple of rabbits for the month we conceived. It was fun, no period for 9 months and perhaps beyond. (Ha, Ha! You thought I meant the sex!) The no period period lasted almost 4 years! So, now that Mia can potty on her own, we decided to go for it again! Go off the pill and have sex like a couple of high schoolers. I have been off the pill since late October. Things with Aunt Flo were reasonable til this month. I got hideously painful cramps while we were at dinner on New Years Eve. It hurt when I coughed so much I thought that my vital organs were on their way out. Woke up with my period, Happy New Years!
Got me period again. This time it was January 25th. Hmmmm, thought I was supposed to get it only once a month?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Too pooped to pop!

I want another baby. I am getting up there in age and just feel that it is a last chance effort before I totally quit having sex. No, not really, I just would like to try and have another baby. My baby isn't a baby anymore, she can dress herself, although it is a style that only she subscribes to, and can finally go potty on her own as well as a bunch of other neat 3 year old things. I figure there is no better time like the present to try and procreate! Well, after some cajoling, the husband is on board. This was back in November. Fast forward to January, the baby dancing isn't quite going as well as I had hoped. For one thing, I am way too tired to have sex after about 10pm. Kind of makes it hard, or not, so to speak. It almost takes too much energy to even talk about sex. Which makes we wonder why I am so keen on having a baby. I chalk it up to the fact that the lack of sleep, diapers and sore nipples will pass and I will be left with a sweet little child that loves me unconditionally or until the need for his/her therapy arises.