Sunday, December 28, 2008

Nasal Constipation

I will never forget sitting in my grandma's hospital room. She had just been admitted and was being questioned by a burly lesbian about everything under the sun. You know, how do you feel, why are you here, would you like a Pap? Yes, she really said that, my grandma was in her 70's and I'm sure she was pretty excited about that prospect, aren't we all? One of the last questions burly lesbian asked was was she ever constipated. My grandma answered with an enthusiastic, "Yes, I was born constipated!" And, here is where my story goes...

I always have a sinus infection. There is always thick, green, yucky crap in my head, not my brain, just my nose and sinus cavities. Doctors have advised me to have it drilled because there is a blockage. Doctors have also advised me that it will provide some relief but will more than likely come back to bother me again. The likelihood of me having this surgery is about as great as me winning the lottery. It won't happen. Never. It freaks me out to think of someone drilling in my head, packing it with gauze to no doubt stop the blood and the massive amount of petrified boogers in my head from dripping all over my shirt. Just not having it. There are reasons that I have this blockage and or permanent supply of green stuff in my nose.

I am allergic to everything. Dogs, all trees, all grasses, all weeds, dust, dirt and probably a bunch of other things but I was tired of having the doctor inject things into my arms, due the all of the dripping blood, and made him stop. One probably wonders why they didn't poke my back a million times instead. They did, it didn't work so they brought out the big guns, big syringes filled with all kinds of toxic dirt. They injected me in the upper part of my arm. This was Christmas Eve, a snowy day, where I sat in an office with a big, drafty window, in a paper towel shirt. It was cold, I was bleeding from both arms and getting kind of pissed off that I was having to endure this. Come to find out, I should have been getting allergy shots, twice a week in both arms. Yeah, right. There was no guarantee they would even stop or alleviate the allergies, so I just dealt with them or rather, they dealt with me. No meds ever seem to work and if I am given an antibiotic, I get a yeast infection. Given that fact, I think a stuffy nose is better than a messed up who ha.

Lately, as in my entire pregnancy, I have been stuffy. Oddly enough, my darling husband, has also been stuffy. He has used a bottle of nose spray, while I sit jealously, wishing for a big huff of some Vick's goodness. Anything to help me breathe. Saline spray isn't doing the trick and Sudafed is just a red hot in a blister pack, that I can rarely open without a knife. We haven't experienced any relief. We agreed that an investment in a Neti Pot might be a good thing.

I began to investigate the claims of the odd little pot on the internet. I watched a YouTube video of a woman shoving a teapot spout into her nose and letting the water drain out the other nostril. It was frightening and my eyes began to water. I read how it is a great device to have for clearing sinus cavities and maintaining healthy nasal/sinus health. We decided to go for it. I waddled down in 5 degree weather to the Walgreen's for the pot. I hate the Walgreen's by my house. It attracts some odd characters and you have to wait endlessly for someone to wait on you, all while looking over your shoulder to make sure that no one tries to steal your purse. I have to be desperate to go there.

I wander around the cold medicine aisle. There is no Neti in sight. I try the humidifier aisle, nothing. I am starting to get mad and there is snot running down my face, begging for a big gulp of whatever you put in the pot. Luckily, I stumble onto an entire endcap of Neti Pots! All with $1.50 off coupons attached to them. I am amazed and grab one. I wait 10 minutes to check out.

I get home and hubby boils lots of water so we can clean our heads out. The pot looks remarkably like the Cinderella teapot that Mia plays with, sans phallic tip, which is the part you jam into your nostril. The water has to be semi-warm and then you add it to the pot with a saltwater packet. He goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. I anxiously await the news that his head is clear and he can breathe better than ever. He comes out, watery eyes and a big puddle on the bathroom counter. He doesn't know if it worked or not so we decide this must be a multi-step process. It is now my turn.

This time we are in the upstairs bathroom. He tells me to stick the phallic tip into my nose, lean over the sink and let the saltwater flow. I choke immediately, because my head is clearly not aimed the right way or it wouldn't go down my throat. I choke again when he makes me laugh. Some stuff comes out but nothing like the 7lbs. of stuff I figured. All in all, I can breathe but for how long?

I do this for 3 more days straight. The last day was the most unpleasant, by far. I am a pro by now, or so I think. I jam the deal up my nose and blood starts to pour out like a faucet. Luckily, I have a hand towel to mop up the carnage that is running down my face. I think I have passed a blood clot through my nose. It is really unbelievable, it looks like I cut my finger off. I can't finish the entire 8 oz nasal drink and start to do the other side. The water is cold! I only do about 4 oz before I give up and put the pot up. It is now sitting on the cabinet, looking a little forlorn about being left alone for so many days. Perhaps one day, we will revisit the Neti Pot, just not today.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

I am sitting here at 710am waiting for Christmas to start. My parents will be here by 730. The coffee is brewing, the Overnight Caramel French Toast is sitting in its egg batter. I am the only one up. Where is the 4 year old? I can see why the 14 year old isn't up, but seriously, where is the 4 year old? I feel like a dork. I am wearing my holiday sweater and my pj pants because I have to go up and root around for some pants that fit the bun. She isn't even moving around so I am just sitting here. My mom is bringing champagne for Mimosa's and darn it, I can't have one of those either. I bought 7UP for the kids and I to mix with the OJ, at least we can pretend.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Yes, it is cold. What is the expression, cold enough to freeze a witch's boob? Something like that. I have lived in KS for 12 or so years and have never been this cold. I figured toting the bun would keep me extra warm, it really isn't and I'm sure she is probably mad that we are turning into popsicles. I don't have a coat to fit over my massive tummy, just didn't figure I would really need one because it never gets that cold here. I have been making do with my brown, fuzzy North Face jacket. It is warm, the part that covers me at least. The rest of the exposed stuff gets a long scarf wrapped around it. I look ridiculous, and am only somewhat warmer. I am about to go get a sleeping bag to wear.

Boots are not an entirely different story. I have a couple of pairs, one that has nice, fuzzy liners. Can't get them on. Neither of them. I looked at them and tried to give them a pep talk about how cold and snowy it was and how I could really use their cooperation in getting them on. They didn't budge. I got them over my ankle before I figured out they weren't going any further. I mentally tried to calculate how I could lay on my back on the bed and pull them up. I then made note that if I did that, how was I going to get off the bed? So, no boots. I found some thick socks and a pair of slip on shoes. Had to use a shoe spoon but at least they were on. I readied myself to start the car.

Got my jacket and scarf, keys and found I had no gloves. I waddle out to the car, slipping on the icy slope off the porch. Great, now I am injured. The gloves were in the car, freeze dried. I didn't care, I had to get the car started so put them on. They stuck to me like a tongue on ice. Not very warm. I knocked snow off the windows because I had no scraper. This isn't going very well.

Get the car going and proceed to bundle Mia up til she looks like a little pink snowman. I half carry her and her backpack to the car. She decides that she needs to make a snowball. NO! Get in the car, mommy is FREEZING! She complies, whining that she wants to make a snow angel before school. Maybe after or you will be soaked. She didn't quite get it but got in and we were off.

The streets were snow packed and you couldn't even see that any other cars had even driven over it. That is til we were nearly hit by a huge school bus. At least she waved before nearly sliding into us. Finally, after what seemed like a ridiculous amount of time, we were at Mia's school. Mind you, it is about 4 blocks from our house. We get out, and are standing in massive amounts of snow. Seems the parking lot hasn't been plowed. There are going to be approximately 60 kids coming to school and no one has bothered to plow? Oh, it is getting even better. I drop Mia off and get ready to head home.

I get back to the car and found that the plowing has begun. There are numerous cars in the lot by now and the guy plowing has managed to make a decent path but has left snow pretty deep around the existing cars. The snow is even deeper by my car than when we got there. Have I mentioned that I am not able to put my boots on? I get in, feet soaked and realize that it has sleeted and I can't see out the windshield. I am about to lose it! Seriously, I don't have a scraper. I sit and fume while I wait for the heater/defroster to do its job. Finally, I am off. I am exhausted and realize that I have to come back out in this crap to pick Mia up. I am wondering if I should just stay in the car and wait for her versus having to do the same routine again. Then, I feel like I have to pee. Guess I will be going home afterall.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Bah, humbug

I like Christmas. It was alot more fun when I was younger, but now that I have kids, it becomes a way to play with toys that really don't belong to me. I can't wait because we got Mia a Leapster 2 and it looks like a blast. So, I don't hate Christmas.

What I really loathe is Christmas music. Not the music per se, just that it starts being played way back in November, even before Thanksgiving. All Christmas music, all the time. I hate it. My feeling is that there are only so many songs and way too many people that sing the same thing. I am going to mention a few of the ones I like and alot more of the ones that I don't. I really don't think that everyone should even be entitled to sing carols. They become these bastardized versions, with synthesizers, new beats and odd melodies. They become a hint of the traditional song, and usually suck.

These are a few that I love, goofy or not:
The Little Drummer Boy
Silent Night
Jingle Bells
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Anything by the Chipmunks, I know, not really classics, but cute!
That Hippo song, I know, I know, it is lame, but I like it anyway.
I love, love Same Old Lang Syne, but I love Dan Fogelberg, so I had to throw it in.

I feel like these are some of the classics and I'm sure I've missed a few, but these are what came to mind.

A look at some of the songs I loathe, really loathe.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the Dean Martin version, where he calls him Rudy and decides to bust into some Swedish accent while singing. Save it Dino, you screwed this one up, big time.

Wonderful Christmastime, by Paul Mccartney. There are no real words for this ditty, except LAME!

Santa Babyby Earth Kitt, Ok, I know there are lots of supporters of this song. To me, it sounds like Christmas porn. I see a scantily clad woman, with a glass of champagne, waiting for Santa in a slinky piece of lingerie. Hmmm, maybe that is really my mother.

Any song the Beach Boys thought would be a good idea. They just weren't.

I know these were for charity, but... We Are The World and Don't They Know it's Christmas make me feel about as good as a glass of old eggnog. The thought of George Michael sporting some tight Spandex while trying to festive, makes me really queasy. Who knows what his plans were after the song but I doubt it was something we would really want to know. I know that Sting, Duran Duran, Phil Collins and a host of other talented musical folks were there, but, I would rather choke on fruitcake then endure those songs ever.

So, I know this list will rankle some people but we are all entitled to our opinions about the music we are forced to listen to at Christmas. I, for one, can't wait til 26 December.