Sunday, December 28, 2008

Nasal Constipation

I will never forget sitting in my grandma's hospital room. She had just been admitted and was being questioned by a burly lesbian about everything under the sun. You know, how do you feel, why are you here, would you like a Pap? Yes, she really said that, my grandma was in her 70's and I'm sure she was pretty excited about that prospect, aren't we all? One of the last questions burly lesbian asked was was she ever constipated. My grandma answered with an enthusiastic, "Yes, I was born constipated!" And, here is where my story goes...

I always have a sinus infection. There is always thick, green, yucky crap in my head, not my brain, just my nose and sinus cavities. Doctors have advised me to have it drilled because there is a blockage. Doctors have also advised me that it will provide some relief but will more than likely come back to bother me again. The likelihood of me having this surgery is about as great as me winning the lottery. It won't happen. Never. It freaks me out to think of someone drilling in my head, packing it with gauze to no doubt stop the blood and the massive amount of petrified boogers in my head from dripping all over my shirt. Just not having it. There are reasons that I have this blockage and or permanent supply of green stuff in my nose.

I am allergic to everything. Dogs, all trees, all grasses, all weeds, dust, dirt and probably a bunch of other things but I was tired of having the doctor inject things into my arms, due the all of the dripping blood, and made him stop. One probably wonders why they didn't poke my back a million times instead. They did, it didn't work so they brought out the big guns, big syringes filled with all kinds of toxic dirt. They injected me in the upper part of my arm. This was Christmas Eve, a snowy day, where I sat in an office with a big, drafty window, in a paper towel shirt. It was cold, I was bleeding from both arms and getting kind of pissed off that I was having to endure this. Come to find out, I should have been getting allergy shots, twice a week in both arms. Yeah, right. There was no guarantee they would even stop or alleviate the allergies, so I just dealt with them or rather, they dealt with me. No meds ever seem to work and if I am given an antibiotic, I get a yeast infection. Given that fact, I think a stuffy nose is better than a messed up who ha.

Lately, as in my entire pregnancy, I have been stuffy. Oddly enough, my darling husband, has also been stuffy. He has used a bottle of nose spray, while I sit jealously, wishing for a big huff of some Vick's goodness. Anything to help me breathe. Saline spray isn't doing the trick and Sudafed is just a red hot in a blister pack, that I can rarely open without a knife. We haven't experienced any relief. We agreed that an investment in a Neti Pot might be a good thing.

I began to investigate the claims of the odd little pot on the internet. I watched a YouTube video of a woman shoving a teapot spout into her nose and letting the water drain out the other nostril. It was frightening and my eyes began to water. I read how it is a great device to have for clearing sinus cavities and maintaining healthy nasal/sinus health. We decided to go for it. I waddled down in 5 degree weather to the Walgreen's for the pot. I hate the Walgreen's by my house. It attracts some odd characters and you have to wait endlessly for someone to wait on you, all while looking over your shoulder to make sure that no one tries to steal your purse. I have to be desperate to go there.

I wander around the cold medicine aisle. There is no Neti in sight. I try the humidifier aisle, nothing. I am starting to get mad and there is snot running down my face, begging for a big gulp of whatever you put in the pot. Luckily, I stumble onto an entire endcap of Neti Pots! All with $1.50 off coupons attached to them. I am amazed and grab one. I wait 10 minutes to check out.

I get home and hubby boils lots of water so we can clean our heads out. The pot looks remarkably like the Cinderella teapot that Mia plays with, sans phallic tip, which is the part you jam into your nostril. The water has to be semi-warm and then you add it to the pot with a saltwater packet. He goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. I anxiously await the news that his head is clear and he can breathe better than ever. He comes out, watery eyes and a big puddle on the bathroom counter. He doesn't know if it worked or not so we decide this must be a multi-step process. It is now my turn.

This time we are in the upstairs bathroom. He tells me to stick the phallic tip into my nose, lean over the sink and let the saltwater flow. I choke immediately, because my head is clearly not aimed the right way or it wouldn't go down my throat. I choke again when he makes me laugh. Some stuff comes out but nothing like the 7lbs. of stuff I figured. All in all, I can breathe but for how long?

I do this for 3 more days straight. The last day was the most unpleasant, by far. I am a pro by now, or so I think. I jam the deal up my nose and blood starts to pour out like a faucet. Luckily, I have a hand towel to mop up the carnage that is running down my face. I think I have passed a blood clot through my nose. It is really unbelievable, it looks like I cut my finger off. I can't finish the entire 8 oz nasal drink and start to do the other side. The water is cold! I only do about 4 oz before I give up and put the pot up. It is now sitting on the cabinet, looking a little forlorn about being left alone for so many days. Perhaps one day, we will revisit the Neti Pot, just not today.


Diane said...

Hahahahahha your discriptions of stuff crack me up! I'm glad it helped a little!

Hannah said...

You poor thing! I had a constant cold during each of my pregnancies. I swear, that whole "you're pregnant, enjoy the extra mucous everywhere" thing was quite lovely. Not!

Ahhhh. The neti pot. The first time I used one I swear I thought I was drowning! Quite nice little contraptions when you get used to them, though. Here's to hoping you breathe easier...soon!

Kimble-Wood said...

The mental picture is totally cracking me up, but I feel your pain. Hopefully this will all be over for you very soon.

~* N *~ said...

Yikes, that thing sounds scary! You are far braver than I. I don't think I could bring myself to try it!

Rachel said...

I discovered the neti pot last fall and it is miraculous for my sinuses! The trick to congestion is to keep the sinuses clear (breeding ground for viruses...)Make sure the water in the neti pot is very warm (I also add a little baking soda).

I also discovered apple cider vinegar for sinuses. Do a google search.

It's amazing!! And I am congestion free!