Monday, April 14, 2008

I guess there is a reason for everything, though I hate to believe it is true. I am not, apparently, able to have another child. No, we didn't try for a year. No, I didn't take my temperature faithfully everyday. No, I didn't consult a fertility doc. I guess that I thought that going off the Pill and having sex like it was a chore, would make everything happen on its own, like when we conceived Mia. I guess I was wrong. Now, I am left with the task of weeding out the basement of her crib, baby toys, strollers and carseats for a garage sale, so that someone that has been blessed with a future baby can get a good deal. It makes me sad and sick at the same time.

I don't really know if I would have been a good mother to a second baby. Maybe I am not a good mom right now. The one thing I do know, is that it kills me that I will never hold a newborn that is my own. I know there are others out there that won't either. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, just put things into perspective. Actually, I am feeling sorry for myself, very sorry, and I think that it is going to take more time for me to recover than I expected.

I am seeing that Ashley Simpson, Jamie Spears, Angelina Jolie and a bunch of others are pregnant. Must be nice. I only really hate Angelina though! Who doesn't? I'm not even talking about her being pregnant, ha, ha.

As I was sifting through the big bunch of crap in the mail today, something fell into my lap. It was a Babies R Us catalog. On it is a visibly pregnant woman, holding tiny, baby booties. Why was this the only piece of mail that fell? Why do I have to be reminded that there isn't a chance for me to need new baby items? What is it going to take for me to have some peace about this? I know the answer is time, but time is making it even more painful, because I am out of time.


Kimble-Wood said...

OK, normally your posts make me laugh, but this one made me cry. My heart really aches for you. Have you two discussed surrogacy? Even though YOUR body can't do the baby carrying, maybe you could find a "baby momma" to do it for you. :) Regardless, you are in my thoughts/prayers.

Anonymous said...

You kno who I am..... I am your mother.......... I do, so well, know the feelings you have...... because I had those same feelings a few years ago when the realization hit me that you would be an only child. Whenever you think you can't stand the thought of never having that newborn in your arms please talk to me.

Chelle said...

I'm with Marissa, normally your post make me LOL, but I am sitting her sobbing at my computer and my heart is aching for you! I totally agree with Marissa, have you and DH talked about surrogacy or adoption? I've often thought about being a surrogate for exact situations like yours! I'm here if you need to chat! You are in my thoughts and prayers! *HUGS*

Jen said...

Big (((HUGS))) MAMA!!! You are and would be a GREAT Mother!!!

Jess O. said...

I'm with the others, normally your posts make me laugh. My heart aches for you, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are a great mom, don't doubt it!!