Camel Toe and Big Ass or People Who Should Be Bitch Slapped

Waiting for Max in the school parking lot is always fodder for a good blog entry and/or stand up comedy routine. Since getting up on stage at the Loony Bin is not an option, I figured I would just share a little bit of what I saw today. Everyone shall remain nameless, lest their hideous judgement be revealed and you see what idiots some people really are, myself not included.

Some people just don't get how pants should fit, specifically, jeans. Ideally, they should be comfortable, fit nicely and not be over $100. While jeans can be any color, I am a traditionalist and prefer blue. This is not to say that other colors can't be worn without me calling you an ass. That being said, fit really becomes important. Today, I was blinded by a pair of tight, white bow-chica-bow-bow jeans that nearly made me lose my cookies. They literally gave camel toe a new meaning. It was sick, yet I couldn't stop looking. A Levi's train wreck. This nice lady, a phrase I use very loosely, likes to wear her pants like this. ALL of her pants. These pants combined with her neon white hair, make for a shocking view. I actually know this person, believe it or not, and have never made a comment regarding her outward persona. That is not to say that I don't have a bunch to say when she is not around. I am a nice person like that. So, here is a Blondie wannabe, parking where she isn't supposed to, carrying a little dog, ala Jessica Simpson, and giving the term, "Read my lips," a whole new meaning. Cue the porn music.

Yet, another woman with a pants problem, surfaced today. This really is a nice lady but the butt is a big one that stretch pants can't conceal. She also has some hair issues, mainly that headbands and crazy, curly hair don't exactly work well together. It appeared that a small, black poodle was perched on her head, hanging on for dear life. I can cut her some slack on the hair, because I am in my 45th day of ponytail and don't see signs of a style change. The pants bothered me for a couple of reasons. Like I mentioned, stretch pants aren't always the best choice for a big ass. At the very least, one should wear a longer shirt to cover the butt. Maybe that is just my opinion, I don't know. So, not only was the shirt too short, but the panty choice left lots to be desired. If you can see the panty, especially under the white stretch pants, maybe a change in color is necessary, at the very least.

I saw another lady, one I didn't know, yesterday. She had odd colored orange/gold hair and really BIG 70's type glasses. I don't know what her clothes looked like because she was wearing a huge, coral colored pashmina. When I think of pashmina's, I think of Paris Hilton or someone that consideres themselves a jet setter. Maybe I'm wrong. I didn't get into the pashmina craze, I would rather wear a jacket, then wrap something around me like a straight jacket. Anyway, she was rocking her pashmina look, I guess. I looked at her feet and guess what kind of shoes she had on? Crocs! Wow, now that was a look. I love my Mammouth's, but really?

There is an interesting blend of students at school also. Can you imagine a 13-year old boy carrying a metal lunchbox? This particular model is red plaid, like I had in the 6th grade. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, this is the same kid that was beating up on a little kid the other day. Literally, swinging the kid's backpack around and hitting him til he fell. Finally, someone intervened. Had it been me, I would have whacked him with that cool, metal lunchbox. This is the same kid, mind you, that gets up during the Sunday service with his cellphone in hand, like he is some kind of big shot. I guess I shouldn't be shocked, his dad struts around like he is 10 feet tall. In reality, he is more like 3 feet tall.

I don't get why men have to pretend to be something they aren't. There is a dad that I have met on occasion, and he has serious body issues. First off, he is another shorty. Muscular, but in one of those ways you see guys at the Y, trying to puff up like a turkey. It makes me laugh. While he has an admirable profession, he is not God and should quit pretending like he is. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, no supermodel, not even a supermom, but get over yourself because you look like a fool. Napolean complex be damned.

Line 'em up for a bitch slap.