Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Just sitting around

Recently, a case of mistreatment has surfaced in the state of Kansas that is so bizarre that it cannot go without mention. This isn't a case of horrible child abuse or neglect. This is a case of a woman left on the toilet for 2 years. Two years?!? The "victim" is a 35 year old woman, that is supposed to have no form of mental illness. Her boyfriend is 37 and supposedly, he shows no signs of mental illness. Hmmm...

There have been many questions raised about what kind of people these are. Since I am not one to judge, or at least, will pass on this couple, I am going to just pretend that I was left on the toilet for 2 years and try to figure out what I would have missed. Here is a brief list of what I would have missed, in no particular order:

American Idol-Who won last year?
Harry Potter movies-I'm not sure he has a spell for the removal of a toilet seat from one's arse. Bloody hell, Ron, get off the pot!
Shopping-There is no need for a Coach or new shoes when you sit on the potty all day.
Family birthdays/holidays-If there is cake or something tasty, I need to be there. Open mouth,insert food, now.
Calliou-Wait, I hate that whiny, little dork!
Peaches-I would have missed the evolution of a sweet, delicate canine into something we could butcher and eat for a year. Not really. I don't think she would be too tender. Nothing like a tough, beagle fajita.
Seeing the sun-This is kind of iffy as I am a white as a ghost and hate the heat bearing down on my pale flesh. Unless your bathroom has a window, you would need one of those lamps that people with seasonal affective disorder have.
Cooking-Not just eating is fun. Cooking something new and exciting and then waiting for your husband to clean it up can be fun too. Come to think of it, I think my husband's reason for not cleaning the kitchen was because he was in the bathroom. Better wait til he comes out.
Flat screen, HD TV's-I don't watch much TV but it is infintely more interesting when you can see the hair on Christi Lee Cook's lip as she battles to sing some lame country song, as well as to see the red pupils of Paula Abdul's eyes. Drugs are bad!
Target-Need I say more? I don't know anyone that doesn't like a little retail therapy at Target. I know women that go multiple times per day. I am not one of them, as far as you know.
Showers-I'm not sure how you bathe while sitting on the toilet. Toilet water is not the same as eau de toilet, that is for sure. Do you just stretch over to reach your toothbrush? I would be willing to skip Target, but not a daily shower, sometimes more.
My sweet girl-My guess is that if Mia saw me sitting on the potty for 2 years, she might have gotten the potty training thing a little earlier and maybe even easier. Her little Elmo potty seat would have probably made my buns feel better also.
Taco Shop-We are a family of Taco Shop lovers. There is nothing better than a mess of tacos, all of which sends us to the bathroom, so we may have been ok stuck in there for 2 years. Bring on the Tums.

Now, of course there are things that I wouldn't have missed. The summer heat, cleaning the house, going to the dentist for a crown, laundry and the whole Hillary/Obama business. They are both full of crap so maybe we should stick them away in a bathroom somewhere. There is probably room in there for Mccain too. Better them then me.

The aftermath of this weird bathroom predicament is that there is a woman stuck in ICU because she can't walk. Her legs are probably atrophied and one wonders what else is wrong. Her man was charged and adding to those charges is indecent exposure. Only in Kansas...

1 comment:

nicole said...

What I don't get, how did he keep her on the toilet? I mean, I would have at least gotten up and walked around the bathroom if it was just a locked door. But something in me thinks she must have been strapped to it or something?