Ahhh!

I don't think that I know how to relax. I can't do it, there is always something that I need to do or should be doing, so my mind, or body, takes over and I can't relax. I used to think that sitting in front of the tv or surfing the internet was relaxing, it isn't. When I play Scrabble online, it is stressful, having to concoct words so that you can win. It is also stressful when you fall 5 games behind. Where is the fun in even playing, I sometimes wonder? Where is the fun in doing laundry, washing floors, putting stuff away, dusting? I don't know... How can I relax?

I have a relaxation fantasy, if you will. It doesn't include Brad Pitt, Angelina will just NOT let him go. If he was in the fantasy, it wouldn't be very relaxing anyway. I would have to have my hair and makeup perfect and my thighs and stomach, well... Just not happening. So, the fantasy starts out with getting a massage by just hands, no one attached. I don't want to be talked to etc. I just want to relax. After a nice massage, I would move to the hot tub, where I would sip a nice, frozen margarita. No salt, not much alcohol, just a lime Slurpee. I would then move to the beach. I don't like much heat, it would be warm but not where I am sweating, because sweating isn't relaxing. I would lay(or is it lie) at the edge of the water and the waves would gently reach me, surrounding my warm skin with cool water. I don't know what kind of bathing suit I am wearing because that takes away all of the relaxation. I know I'm not svelte and so I have deemed this a private beach and bathing suits optional. The air is fragrant with flowers and I can hear the palm trees rustling in the distance. I might even hear some dolphins. I am no expert on where dolphins really live and this is a fantasy so they can be in my backyard if I want them to be. Maybe I am relaxing. I don't get hives from the sun, I don't get all sweaty and no one is there to talk to me. Maybe I will get some Mexican food. For some reason, the beach is always in Mexico. I know there are beautiful beaches in Europe and around the world, but I know I like Mexican food, so it just seems to work out best that I am over the border. I try to use this fantasy when I can't fall asleep. It rarely works.

The next relaxation fantasy I have deals with the mountains. I am not really a beach person so this one tends to work a little better. I am in a huge valley with craggy, snow covered mountains all around me. I am laying in deep grass with millions of wildflowers surrounding me. The smell is intoxicating. I am looking into the bright blue Colorado sky. The sky is endless, like looking into Heaven. Not a cloud in sight. Beautiful. When I get up, I can see the amazing colors of all of the flowers and trees. I'm not that big into nature but can appreciate everything that I am seeing. I can hear the birds chirping and the deer gently rustling the brush. Squirrels are poking around, looking for a snack. I am having a snack myself, trail mix, with lots of almonds and M&M's. Usually, trail mix gives me a horrible stomachache but this is a fantasy and if I want to be drinking Long Island Iced Tea while eating trail mix, while standing in a field, juggling chain saws, then I will. I end my fantasy by walking to a log cabin and having a nice dinner, the menu yet to be determined. I'm not sure the mountains are associated with a certain type of food, so I will just leave it at that. Nevermind, that I will be getting those sun induced hives, that I am allergic to everything outdoors and am afraid of rabid squirels. While this is a nice thought, it doesn't really keep me that relaxed.

In my quest for relaxation, I have tried many things, laying with my feet up on the couch, a glass of wine, exercise, reading, surfing the internet, watching tv, cooking, drugs(not the street kind), napping and a bunch of other stuff. As of yet, not much has worked. I'm not sure what is going to do the trick, though I do have that call into Angelina to see if Brad might be available.

I think relaxation is overrated.