Boycott

I am officially boycotting summer! There are many reasons for boycotting summer. The first reason, it is so incredibly hot in Kansas that your clothes stick to all parts of your body. You begin to sweat right after you get out of the shower. In fact, sometimes I am unsure as to what I am towelling off. Another valid reason for boycotting summer is that Kansas is landlocked, no water to cool off in. Of course, there are lakes, but they are brown and we are forced to use them for our water supply. Plus, there is always that shark factor, you know what I mean. Of course, there are rivers, but they are brown and frequently have bodies floating in them and I don't mean for a leisurely float either. Another reason that I don't like summer is that I don't like the sun. I will wear a hat and cover my entire my body in clothes and sunscreen, all of which adds to that sweat factor. Very unpleasant. Therefore, I am appealing to Nancy Pelosi to sign some kind of Congressional veto to end summer. Maybe she can huff and puff and blow it away with all of her hot air.

ANTZ

The other afternoon, I walked into the kitchen for a drink. What I saw was shocking, to say the least. The floor was moving! Upon closer inspection, I could see some very large ants roaming around. They had entered from the window, which I closed immediately. Mia walked in and screamed, "Ants!" at the top of her lungs. I tried to step on them but the little suckers wouldn't die. I resorted to pulling out the vacuum and Hoovering them up. I have been keeping the window shut and no more ants have appeared. That is until... I hear this little voice, yelling at the top of her lungs, "Ants!" I rush in to assess the ant amount and sure enough, with the window closed, there are still ants coming in to visit. Mia is hysterical and begins randomly stomping on the defenseless ants with her pink Elmo shoes. It doesn't work so I smash them and remove their lifeless carcasses with a paper towel. I will have to wash the floor tomorrow as some of the remains lay embedded in the grout. What a fun way to start the day!

We want you as a new recruit!

I was in the middle of making jambalaya pasta, when the phone rang. Of course, I was removing the limbs and innards of a shrimp so my hands were nice and clean. This sexy, smooth, dark chocolate voice asked for me. I answered that it was me. Dark Chocolate told me that I had been attending classes at the local junior college. Yeah, so? It was at that point he became Sgt. Dark Chocolate, local Army recruiter. I offered my first comment, that I was too old. Not a problem, I still have a couple of more years to go before I was considered "too old" or to deaf to hear the drill seargent yelling in my face. I mentioned that I am overweight. I am told that weight is relative. Hmm... Well, if you think that you are going to get my fat ass before dawn to run, you are high and the army needs to get you in for drug testing ASAP. Next, I tried that I was married with 2 kids. Still not a problem. Ok, well I have to drop my son at school by 815, so I will see you after all physical activity has been done for the day. I guess they have bootcamp daycare because I don't think any of these people want to watch a 2 year old. Finally, I broke it to Sgt. Dark Chocolate that I was injured on the job at a correctional facility and would not be able to participate in any activity where there were teenagers yelling at me about what I could and could not do, after all , that had been my job at the prison. There was no reply. I thanked him for calling and told him that I had to return to dismantling shrimp for my dinner and have a nice day. Guess I will talk to him again in a few weeks.

Goodwill Games

It is my own opinion that I dress pretty well. I think that my son and daughter dress pretty well, too. I don't know if you find this shocking or not, but most all of our clothes come from Goodwill. I consider it a game to find stylish and in near perfect condition items at a place where most people send their clothes, not buy them. I don't buy anything stained or torn. If a button is missing, I search the inside for a replacement, that's what they are for, after all. You would be surprised at the shirts I have gotten that are missing the button when it is RIGHT there! Are people that lazy? I have seen all types of different brands at Goodwill. Some of my finds include, Polo, Oshkosh, Old Navy, Gap, Coach, and just about everything else. I can't justify spending $40 for a dress for my daughter but I have no problem spending $1.99 and that is before my 10% discount. I also find all kinds of decorative stuff. In the corner cupboard in my kitchen, I display bright colored pieces of decorative glass. Almost all came from Goodwill, and were under $5. Next time you see me, take a good look. Chances are my outfit cost about $6 and some change. Makes you think next time you go shopping and shell out $50 for some jeans.

Zzzzzz

I admit it, I take a nap every, and I mean, every afternoon. My daughter lays down at 1230 and I lay down at 1. Sounds a little ridiculous for a grown woman to take a nap but I don't care. Let me give you my average night. I go to bed around 10pm. I fall asleep instantly. Around 3am, I wake up and spend roughly the next 1-2 hours thinking. I am thinking about everything. Is Mia breathing? Does Max have clean uniforms? Does the oil in the cars need to be changed? Why is Peach so darn fat and why does she have to sleep between my legs? Icky needs a bath, he reeks and yet here he is on my pillow. You know, good, useless stuff. I don't want to get up and I can't turn the light on to read, so there I lay. I don't watch the clock until I know that in order not to be a total zombie, I have to go back to sleep. I pick a time around 5 minutes from the time it is and shut my eyes and open them again til that time. At that precise time, I close my eyes and go back to sleep til I have to get up. Weird, I know, at least I have some sort of goal though. I fall out of bed around 545 to start the day, already tired. It is an unfortunate situation. I have personally hung out with Abe and the beaver. Their desire for me to take medication for this problem was made clear. I have been there, done that with 2 kinds of sleep aids and not much changed. Until I find something that works, I am stuck. So, don't bother me between 1-2, I am buried under the covers with a fat beagle and a stinky poodle.

A good friend is hard to find

I have a friend I will call "N." I didn't ask her if I could use her real name so am settling for using her inital. I met N in the 7th grade. I remember her vividly. N was tall, had nice, wavy hair and always was dressed nicely in a dress. I also remember her walking home with me and loving my mom's chocolate chip cookies. Anyway, I was in school with N til about sophomore year, when she moved to a rival high school. I missed her and wasn't sure what really happened to her. Fast forward to late last year. I was surfing Classmates.com and found her! I was thrilled and emailed her at once. We spoke on the phone and exchanged more email. She sent pictures as did I. When I got her photo email, I was almost scared to look. Did she look the way I remember? Do I look years older than her? I downloaded her photo and waited to see N. WOW! N was a woman and a really great looking one at that. Not that I was expecting to see N as a 7th grader anymore, but I was shocked to see she had grown up. It was actually kind of sad for me to know that we had missed so much of each others lives. N and I regularly keep in touch. She has a man that treats her the way she deserves and lives life to the fullest. I am glad to have found her. Good friendships are hard to find.

HELLO?!

I was in Walmart the other day, doing my usual shopping. It is early in the am, as I don't like crowds. There are very few people shopping at 830 on a weekday. I was blocking the way and a man tried to pass me. I said excuse me and looked RIGHT at him. He looked RIGHT at me and walked on with his cart, that had a huge bunch of paper towels in it. What is odd about this, is that this man is my UNCLE, has been for almost 38 years. He is not known for being one of the smarter men in the family. He wears velcro shoes, with brown socks and shorts, not a fashionabale guy either. He used to work for the same prison I worked at. I asked them not to hold it against me. His nickname, revealed to me in my interview, was Barney, after a certain Mr. Fife. He frequently let his tilt radio tilt until main compound control would have to dispatch guys to see if he was alright. He was, just oblivious. I guess things don't change much.